Retro Reviews: Hellraiser Hellworld

Retro Reviews

Hellraiser: Hellworld

Originally published on Horrornews.net 2009

hellraiser-hellworld-original

 

I’ve seen the very worst of what Hell can offer, and it’s called Hellraiser: Hellworld.  Jesus H. Christ, what the fuck were they thinking when they made this god damn movie?  I mean come on!  I thought Hellraiser: Bloodlines was bad, but I was wrong.  I really didn’t think they could top the shit fest that was Pinhead in Space, but somehow, they did.

 

They even managed to do it with both Lance Henriksen and Doug Bradley!  The best I can figure out from the poorly devised plot, is that there’s a game called Hellworld where players do… something.  The details of Hellworld are never explained but, considering one idiot character died because he played it too often, I’m going to assume it’s like World of Warcraft meets Hellraiser.

 

However, there is really no indication of what the stupid game is about, other than our fearless group of retards (I mean “heroes”) are totally obsessed with it, to the point that even two years after the death of their friend due to playing this bloody game, they are still playing and decide to go to a Hellworld party.  The party is being held at the Leviathan House on Hillbound Road or some other stupid name that’s an attempt at making a reference to the other Hellraiser films.  All the while, pointless dialogue is spouted about how the Cenobites don’t exist and all of the mythos is just a part of the game.

 

For fucks sake, one of the characters is wearing a fucking Pinhead shirt in one scene!  The host (Lance Henriksen) of the party proceeds to explain that the Leviathan House was Lemerchand’s second greatest architectural achievement, and then says that the box was his first.

 

While his use of the word is technically correct, it still comes across sounding completely idiotic in the line.  Anyway, The Leviathan House was used as a convent, and then an asylum, blah blah blah, you see where this thing is going?

 

Gratuitous tits abound, crappy music is played, and blood is spilled.  Pinhead wanders around now and then, but he just looks bad.  A fourth, yes, a fucking fourth, Chatterer Cenobite shows up and ends up being the only other Cenobite of any interest in this movie.

 

The ending to this movie is as poorly conceived as the rest of the story, and I feel bad for Henriksen and Bradley for bothering to sign on for this film.  Did anyone in this movie actually read the script?  Because really, the ending is so fucking stupid and ludicrous that it begs the question “Were Lance and Doug just really poor when they got this script or did they honestly think that this would help their careers?”

 

This movie doesn’t even deserve to be called a Hellraiser film.  This is a shitty idea that was done moderately better in Stay Alive and ends up coming across as a story that had the Hellraiser mythos shoehorned into it just to try to cash in on the series.  Had this been simply a movie called Hellworld and had nothing to do with Hellraiser I’d still rip on how bad it is because it’s just a shitty story.  But because I’m a Hellraiser fan, my nerd rage knows no bounds!  It’s a god damn poorly written slasher flick with Pinhead taking over the role of “Generic Slasher Villain”.

 

The special features on this disc are the typical “Coming Attractions”, a feature length commentary track that I had no interest in listening too (unless it’s a drunken Lance Henriksen making fun of the entire movie) and a special “Behind the Scenes” feature, which I’m usually willing to watch, but after ninety-one agonizing minutes of what was supposed to be a film, I couldn’t care less what the actors or director had to say about the project.

 

Besides, it probably would have been a fluff piece about how great the movie is.

 

Hellraiser: Hellworld is the nail in the franchise coffin.  Any redeeming that Inferno may have done for the series has been flushed down the drain with this horrible film.  It’s really disappointing considering how many interesting stories could be told within the Hellraiser universe without turning them into shitty slasher movies.

 

This movie blows.  Don’t rent it unless you’re a masochist like me, or you plan on hosting a “Shitty Movie Night” in which case I highly recommend you rent this and Bloodlines, grab a bunch of friends and as much beer as you can find, and sit back and get ready for a good old Mystery Science Theater 3000 style laugh fest.

 

 

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