The Cabin in the Woods or Why you need to stop being stupid and go see this fucking movie…..(spoiler free)

The Cabin in the Woods

I was wrong.  I want to start this review by stating that right now. I was wrong.

You see, being a horror fan, and a film critic, and generally just an opinionated asshole at times, I tend to make snap judgments about films based on trailers.  I know everyone does this, but it’s not a good idea for someone like me who spends the majority of his free time reviewing movies to be so quick to give the Cesar thumbs up or down based on a minute and thirty seconds of footage.

So when I said that the trailer for The Cabin in the Woods looked like shit, I was right.  The trailers I saw were terrible at selling this imaginative, bloody and frankly, loving ode to the horror genre.

Thank you Joss Whedon.  I hope you enjoy my wallet, because you’ll be seeing it again shortly after May 4th (The Avengers looks fucking amazing, don’t judge me)

So now I’m left with a difficult predicament.  I want to gush about this film, I want to talk about all the awesome parts I loved, the nods and references that made me smile, all of the glorious things that Whedon and Drew Goddard put into this film that made a smile slowly begin creeping across my face within the first 2 minutes of the film, a smile that didn’t leave my face for the rest of the 93 minute run time.

However, I don’t want to ruin the movie for those of you who haven’t seen it.  I may be an asshole, but I refuse to spoil the single best horror film I’ve seen in the last ten years.  There, I said it. The Cabin in the Woods is the BEST HORROR FILM I’VE SEEN IN THE LAST DECADE. I realize I did an entire series of my favorite horror films of the last ten years, but this one, this is the one that trumps them all.  I’m not saying those other films are bad, far from it.

I’m just saying that The Cabin in the Woods simultaneously made me fall in love with it and come to the sad realization that I will never, ever write anything that reaches the sheer brilliance that this film did.

So I’ll just make a list of the top five  things that made me love this movie, and why you need to get off your ass and drop some dollars on this movie.

1. Joss Whedon wrote it.

I realize that not everyone liked Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or Angel, but I’m sure those of you who didn’t like those shows were probably fans of Whedon’s short lived Firefly or Dollhouse or Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. And if you don’t like any of those, then clearly you hate well written female characters and brilliant twisting of genre tropes and ideas. In that case, don’t bother going to see The Cabin in the Woods because you won’t get it, and you won’t like it. And I will point at you and laugh.

2. The cast is fucking Brilliant

Seriously, the cast is fucking amazing, and everyone and I do mean everyone, is fun to watch and makes their characters shine. Plus, there are a plenty of Whedon TV show cameos that pop up (I counted at least 3 I knew of right off, there were probably more)

3. The Cabin in the Woods has officially changed the Horror genre

Remember how everyone sites Scream as being such a watershed moment in the horror genre? Well guess what, Scream can kiss my ass because The Cabin in the Woods is the new champion. Seriously, this movie is everything you’ve ever wanted in a horror movie and more balancing humor, violence, and buckets of gore (holy shit there was sooooo much blood in this movie) while doing what Scream only wished it could have done, deconstruct and rebuild itself into a masterpiece of the genre.

4. You’ve never seen anything like it

Listen, I watch a lot of movies, ranging up and down the spectrum of multimillion dollar budgets to no budgets, good, bad and ugly (By the way, you should check out The Ugly. It’s a good Aussie horror flick). I’ve seen homage’s, pastiche, remakes, re-imaginings, and originals.  In my twenty six years walking this planet and the hundreds and hundreds of hours I’ve spent glued to a television screen watching horror movies, I’ve never seen anything quite like The Cabin in the Woods.  I, and many other internet horror fans/critics often complain about the lack of original horror coming out, that we are drowning in a sea of mediocrity and remakes.  Joss and Drew just threw out a god damn life preserver.

5. JUST FUCKING GO SEE IT ALREADY!

Seriously, a matinee is like…eight dollars. You can spare eight bucks can’t you?  And don’t give me that bullshit about “oh movies are so expensive these days and concessions wah wah wah” Shut the fuck up.  You don’t need popcorn, you don’t need soda, you don’t need candy.  What you need is to get off your ass, go to the local theater (walk, ride a bike, take the bus, mount the sled dogs,fly) and hand the sullen teenager your money (and if you can’t do a matinee, then bite the bullet and spend the twelve bucks) and go inside, walk right past that counter of delicious heart disease and diabetes and sit your ass down in the theater.  Turn off your cell phone (or silence it, because seriously that shit is rude) and settle in for 95 minutes of mind fucking horror glory.  Trust me, you’ll thank me later.

If you listen to Devour the Podcast you’ve probably already heard me heap praise on this movie in the mini-review episode, and you probably heard me give House of the Devil high praise as well, but I had a few issues with House of the Devil.

 

The Cabin in the Woods doesn’t suffer any of those problems. The Cabin in the Woods is a 10 out of 10.  I honestly couldn’t tell you a single thing I didn’t like about the film. So what are you waiting for? An engraved invitation?

 

 

GO.SEE.THE CABIN IN THE WOODS.

You can thank me later.

13 thoughts on “The Cabin in the Woods or Why you need to stop being stupid and go see this fucking movie…..(spoiler free)

    • I watched about 5-8 minutes of that and had to turn it off. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but I can’t stand people who are uniformed and can’t actually put a coherent thought together.

      If he had bothered to actually write out why he didn’t like the movie instead of just babbling for nearly half an hour, I’d consider listening to all of it.

      He didn’t like the movie, that’s fine, but throwing out “Predator” and “Predator 2” in the context of “Greatest Horror Movies” is a joke.

      • First…it’s uninformed, not uniformed. Two, that is my video that he posted, and I am pretty informed in the horror genre. Sorry, if you love the film, then great, there was no reason for you to be rude about it.

        By the way, you want to see a monster jamboree at the end, filled with tons of references to previous films in the past? Watch Waxwork 1 and 2…they were both clever and did it years before this film did.

        I’m fine with people loving this film…it’s assholes like you who think that others opinions, like mine, are beneath you and all you can do is just call people liek me phrases like “can’t put together a coherent sentence”. It’s a rant…deal with it. I don’t call you names cause you love the film…I do it cause you love it AND resort to bashing people who did nothing to you in the first place.

        Bottom line…the ending sucked, it wasn’t scary or suspenseful at all, great characters died in stupid ways (Chris Hemsworth death scene is beyond stupid, terrible, and horribly done with CGI), the ‘monster mash’ at the end was cool to see…although the shoddy CGI on some of them took away from the full effect, and (again) my main problem with the flick is the last 5 minutes is without a doubt one of the worst endings in history.

        It’s not clever, it’s beyond cliche in this state of horror. Most (not all) horror films today have the same ending. It either ends on a downbeat or a depressing ‘they all die’ sort of ending. Every found footage horror film, every Saw film, Final Destination film, The Mist, Drag Me to Hell, The Grudge (and most of its’ forms), Insidious, The Grey, Human Centipede, Martyrs, A Serbian Film, Hatchet, and more.

        Again…I have no problem with you loving the film. My only problem is you being an ass JUST because I don’t share the same opinion you have…so I think I have the right to defend myself (although, anyone who doesn’t think of Predator as a classic, well, maybe your opinion shouldn’t mean jack shit).

        In other words…don’t be a Dick, dick…

      • Listen, I approved your comment because I see no reason to not let you voice your opinion, but I’ll be voicing my own in response.

        First off, your entire comment is the typical “Let me hide the fact that I’m raging mad at someone who didn’t agree with me on the Internet, so I’m going to try and hide it by starting out calm then throw in expletives to prove how not mad I am.”

        Hilarious.

        You didn’t like the movie, thats fine, that’s your problem, not mine. And I realize that your video was a “Rant” but here’s a word of advice, if you want people to take your opinions seriously, take the time to write out what you’re thinking before you sit down in front of your camera and scream incoherently for half an hour.

        I’m confused, you don’t like “Downer” endings…..in Horror movies? I’m sorry but I was under the impression that Horror movies were meant to leave you bothered at the end, not feeling cheery and bright. Horror movies are supposed to end on downers, it’s part of the genre. If you don’t like that about the genre, that’s fine, but don’t act as if it’s cliche for a movie you didn’t like to have a downer ending like 90% of the genre. A low note ending is often more fitting to the situation, because contrary to what you might think, a movie like Martyrs ending on a high note would have not only ruined the film, but completely destroyed everything the film makers had built to.

        Now run along and enjoy whatever you like, I’ll continue being a “Dick” because I don’t agree with your opinion.

  1. To quote the ever so calm and reasonable Matt ” just call people liek me phrases like “can’t put together a coherent sentence”.”

    Point 1) It’s like not liek. If you’re going to point out typos you had better be damn sure you haven’t made any yourself.

    Point 2) The section of your response I quoted pretty much proves the case for the part you quoted. Just to make it clear for you, ” just call people liek me phrases like “can’t put together a coherent sentence”.” is not now, nor will it ever be a coherent sentence. And before you pull the “I was ranting” excuse, which is about as good an excuse as “Sorry I ran that red light officer but I’m a bit drunk”, when you’re typing you have to think about what your doing and you have a perfect opportunity to check what you’ve written before you hit submit.

    Point 3) When you start swearing you’ve already lost so just cancel your post and walk away from the computer, the internet is not the right place for delicate, easily upset souls like you. See how I managed to write all this without swearing or throwing around insults? Try it yourself sometime.

    • You’re right. I wrote the word ‘like’ incorrectly. The bottom line of that entire article was this: When I do any review or rant, I always try to make sure to say “if you like or hate this film, that’s cool, no worries”. If I watch videos on youtube, or read reviews on the internet…even if I’m not a fan of it, at least I’m not going to bash or make fun of that person for it. Because it’s people just doing something they enjoy, as a hobby, for free.

      I do not make fun of people, unless provoked. Key word: provoked. Making reviews on youtube, or on a website, is not a big deal at the end of the day. We are not getting paid for this, it’s just meant for fun. He didn’t like the review? That’s cool. But behaving like he’s better than someone, looking down on them, saying that I’m quote “uniformed and can’t actually put a coherent thought together.”…that’s okay? And if someone provokes me, then why not curse them out…it sound reasonable to me. Never said I was perfect, but I try to be fair unless someone acts like a Dick about it. And not because our opinions differ, but because he wanted attack me personally with stuff like ” throwing out “Predator” and “Predator 2″ in the context of “Greatest Horror Movies” is a joke.” Me enjoying Predator and Predator 2 that much is a joke? And yet he wants to talk about ‘dealing with others’ opinions?

      I do not apologize for that video…yes…I said it was a rant. But I wasn’t saying that to be used as ‘an excuse’. It’s just a youtube video, a rant that some redneck like me did for fun, not a professional job that I’m getting paid hundreds of dollars for…and no. He doesn’t have to love it, that’s not what I’m saying. But I wasn’t just ‘screaming incoherently for half an hour’. I feel I had the right to defend myself, and so I did. I talk to my subscribers through the video, and I do videos the way I want to in order to make it over the top and fun. And I won’t apologize for it.
      And in that video, I clearly said, point by point, which parts of the film I did and didn’t enjoy. I enjoyed the clever premise (and I describe scenes that were clever) and good acting. I did not like the ending, the cgi, and so on. I talk to my subscribers throughout the video as well, and I do videos the way I want to in order to make it over the top and fun. And I won’t apologize for it.

      And then making fun of me just because of certain movies I enjoy? Again, I bring up his “but throwing out “Predator” and “Predator 2″ in the context of “Greatest Horror Movies” is a joke.” Every film has a hater and a fan…So I can like and dislike any movie that I want. And he has that same right as well.

      And to answer Devourtheblog, you weren’t being a Dick because we differ on opinions. I even said that it was cool that we differ on opinions. You were being a Dick because you made fun of someone who did NOTHING to you in the first place. I honestly do not care whether you like or hate this movie.

      I do care though when you attack me personally. Thus I felt the need to defend myself…and yes, that does involve cursing. I’m not here to ‘win’. Just defending myself. And if you can’t understand that, then there’s really nothing more I can say.

      And as for his words on downer endings… if you enjoy them, that’s cool…once in a while I can appreciate it. But I prefer endings in films such as Alien, Predator, Aliens, Split Second, The Relic, Leviathan, Maximum Overdrive, The Changeling, Exorcist III, Tremors, Graveyard Shift, Child’s Play, Dawn of the Dead…fun horror films without downer endings. But that’s just my opinion…and I’m letting it be heard.

      • Ah, opinions. There is an oft quoted cliché about opinions.
        I have many opinions which I’m not going to bother sharing because they don’t matter to you. Just as your opinions don’t matter to me.
        Do you know what does matter to me? Real things that don’t happen on the internet. So I’m going to go and do real things with real people.
        But let’s ponder this before I go. If you’re not here to ‘win’ why are you fighting? And before you say you’re not fighting consider your previous statements. You claim to be defending yourself therefore there was an attack and the dynamic of attack plus defence equals fighting.

        Oh and just one more thing.
        Predator is only a great movie if you’re a 15 year old boy with unresolved homosexual tendencies. Probably something to do with the big guns and sweaty men 😉

        Now *that’s* an attack 😉

      • So basically WAAAAAAAAAAAH I’m allowed to have opinions but you can’t criticize them cuz that’s mean. And I worked really hard on my unedited, stupid long, blathering rants and you’re not allowed to mention that they’re complete crap because not liking my shit is a PERSONAL ATTACK ZOMG!!1

    • If you can’t tell the difference between an attack and a differing opinion the internet is probably not the best place for you 😉 Perhaps Mr FluffyBunny’s Cuddle Farm would be a more appropriate venue for our little friend?

      • I’m never one to deny that I am A. Snarky B. Sarcastic and C. an Asshole at times, but the consensus from everyone who has a level of reading comprehension agrees, none of what I said was an attack. I’ve got better things to do with my time on the Internet than “Attack” people I don’t know or agree with.

        Frankly this whole situation went from deliciously funny to just sad after his second comment. I mean really, if you put yourself out there, whether it’s on a podcast, or on youtube, you’re putting your opinions out to an often hostile world of the Internet, and frankly, you’re going to run into people who don’t like what you do/say.

        If I had intended to attack you, I would have been a lot more cruel and cutting than I was. All I said was that I felt his video was “Uninformed” and “Incoherent”. If I was attacking him, I could have launched into a diatribe about how he’s a sister fucking hick, but I didn’t because I wasn’t attacking him.

        And for the record Matt, just because you can write a long winded response, doesn’t mean you’re being eloquent (look it up), it just means you’re babbling.

        And I don’t consider “Predator” or “Predator 2” “Great Horror Films” because I don’t consider them Horror films at all. They are Sci-Fi/Action films.

  2. “And I don’t consider “Predator” or “Predator 2” “Great Horror Films” because I don’t consider them Horror films at all. They are Sci-Fi/Action films.”
    And you’re not a 15 year old boy with unresolved homosexual tendencies 😉

    I’m sorry it just had to be done. I promise I’ll stop picking on Matt now.

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