I’m Not A Fucking Hipster! AKA:The Entirely Too Long Rant Agaisnt a Stupid Blog Post

Recently I read a blog post by another horror blogger that got me all riled up and ready to fight.  No they didn’t insult my mother or call me anything insensitive, but they did insult me, albeit indirectly.

If you follow me on twitter (and you totally should @ddellamorte) you’ll know I commented on my distaste for what I call “Tourists” in fandoms, men and women who associate with a specific fandom simply because they think it makes them “Cool” or because it will get them attention.

I’m sure you’re already shaking your head and thinking “Oh Christ, here we go, he’s going to go on an old man rant about how these young kids don’t know anything”, and I’m not.  As I stated on twitter, “Being new to a fandom isn’t a sin, being a pretentious fuck is”.

And if you’ve been a horror fan for any length of time, you’ve probably run into not only “Tourist” horror fans (and trust me, you know them as soon as they open their mouths) but you’ve also run into the crotchety pretentious horror fans too, and this is where I took issue with the blogger previously mentioned.  He (or She) wrote a post listing the “Hipster” things that we horror fans do.

Obviously because I’m writing an entire entry about this, I disagreed with said blogger and felt the need to refute them.  But the list made me realize something.  All the things this blogger said can be construed as “Hipster” if you’re not already a horror fan.  Listen, I realize that assholes are running around in every fandom, it’s the nature of the world, but by definition a “Fan” is someone who is a Fanatic (1. a person whose enthusiasm or zeal for something is extreme or beyond normal limits 2. informal  a person devoted to a particular hobby or pastime; fan: a jazz fanatic)

Obviously the term “Fan” has come to mean someone who simply enjoys something and the term “True Fan” or “Super Fan” has taken over the original definition of the word, but when I say that I am a Horror Fan I mean it in the most literal sense.

So let’s get down to my response, and I’ll be summarizing/generalizing the original list for my own purposes.

1. If it came out prior to 1990, it’s a classic

No, no and no.  Just because a film is old doesn’t magically bestow upon it the moniker of “Classic” and just because various studios have released films on DVD/Blu-Ray under the heading of Midnight Movie or Cult Classic doesn’t mean they are.  A film achieves the status of ”Classic” because it’s earned it.  James Whale’s Frankenstein or Todd Browning’s Dracula are bonafide classics, not because they are old films, but because they are fucking amazing old films. A film that becomes a “Classic” is one that rises above its contemporaries, and while we may have all forgotten The Amazing Thing with Four Heads and Five Arms (no, this movie doesn’t exist, and if it does I hope it’s as awesome as its title) we remember Night of the Living Dead.

2.Telling new fans to watch the original instead of the remake

How is that a hipster thing to do? If my girlfriend were to come up to me and say “I want to see that new Nightmare on Elm Street” I would say (after regaining my focus because I’d be shocked as hell to hear those words coming out of her mouth) “Let’s watch the original first”.  If you had asked me eight years ago what I thought of remakes, you would have heard the standard knee jerk reaction coming out of me that you can read on any website when a remake is announced.

However, after I stopped acting like an obnoxious teenager, I realized that despite the unnecessary nature of the remake, they aren’t all bad.  Dawn of the Dead ’04 was a good fucking movie. Was it better than the original? I don’t think so, but am I running around planning to burn down Zack Snyder’s house because he made it? Of course not.  I’ve gotten so utterly fucking sick and tired of the kneejerk horror fan reaction of “OH MY GOD THEY CAN’T REMAKE THAT!!!! WORST MOVIE EVER!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!” because A. it’s not productive, and B. it makes us sound like a bunch of children.

Not every remake has sucked, and going with the blanket statement that all remakes suck is not only obnoxious but it’s uniformed.  I personally have enjoyed some remakes (and if you saw John Carpenter’s The Thing and you enjoyed it, your remake argument has flown out the window) and while I didn’t think Friday the 13th or A Nightmare on Elm Street were very good, I didn’t judge them against their source material, I judged them strictly on their own merits (and they sucked on their own merits).  Telling new fans to watch the original before a remake isn’t a hipster thing to do, it’s a way of sharing the films we love with the new generation.

3.This Movie is based on a bestselling book so I’m not going to see it

Ok, I can sorta see the authors point on this one, but come the fuck on now!  Having spent three years working in a book store, I can tell you that just because a book is a “Best Seller” doesn’t mean it’s any good.  Do you have any idea how many copies of the Twilight series have sold? If you’ve had the misfortune of trying to read that tripe, you’ll know it’s horrible.  The movies based on the terrible books aren’t much better (and I’ll give them credit, at least the movies are accurate to the books in that they managed to take dull, cardboard characters and find actors to be as wooden and lifeless as they were in the books. Bravo).

I have a feeling the author is weighing in on the Hunger Games backlash that seems to be roiling through the internet from people who saw Battle Royale, and while I myself have made the same joke, it wasn’t out of any ideological or “better than you” ideal, it was simply me making snarky remarks on the internet.  I have no interest in seeing The Hunger Games because I A. don’t typically read young adult novels and B. It doesn’t look like something I want to spend the money on.  Yes, I’ve seen both Battle Royale and Battle Royale 2 and while I didn’t finish reading the novel, I did read the manga, and you know why? BECAUSE I ENJOYED THE STORY.

 

 

4.Wearing Horror shirts because it’s Ironic

 

Holy shit someone is clearly projecting here.  Listen, I don’t know about you, but I don’t wear anything because I think its “Ironic”.  To be completely honest the “I’m going to dress like a total asshole because it’s so funny and ‘Ironic’” thing has pissed me off since the hipster movement started catching on.  You know why I wear horror shirts? BECAUSE I’M A HORROR FAN. I wear every horror shirt (and comic book shirt, and band shirt) with pride because I like the thing that’s on the shirt and I’m showing my support.  Wearing a horror shirt to be ironic makes you an asshole and a “Tourist”.

 


5.Cannibal Holocaust and Blair Witch Project are the only good found footage movies

Apparently the author of this list spends entirely too much time hanging around douche bag’s because I’ve never in all my years as a horror fan said that Cannibal Holocaust and The Blair Witch Project are the only good found footage movies.  I actually don’t like Blair Witch to perfectly honest.  And clearly anyone who actually says/believes the above statement hasn’t seen that many found footage films. Here’s a short list of found footage films that I’ve seen that I like:

Cannibal Holocaust

Man Bites Dog

The Last Horror Movie

Diary of the Dead

[REC]

Cloverfield

The Last Exorcism

Grave Encounters

If you hear someone saying that there are only two good found footage horror films, they are either 1. A colossal asshole, 2. A pretentious fuck, 3. have no taste in movies or 4. All of the Above.

Go to Wikipedia and look up “Found Footage” and look through the list. I left the August Underground series off the list because I’ve only seen about ten minutes of Mordum but I wouldn’t say it was bad, just something I had trouble sitting through.

 

6.We complain about Hollywood remakes, but still go see them

I admit I went to see My Bloody Valentine 3D and Friday the 13th in the theater, but I did so because (in the case of Valentine) I was going with a group of friends, fully aware that we were walking into a bad movie. Sure, we were dropping good money on a movie we knew full well was going to suck but we did it for the experience and because it was a good time.  I saw Friday the 13th (on opening night) because I hoped it would be good and because I missed out on seeing a Friday film in the theater before.

Seeing these two movies in the theater was worth the price of admission for the experience alone, because they were packed theaters full of fans and regular folks alike who were yelling at the screen and screaming at all the right times. It was FUN, you know that thing we’re not allowed to have.  Did I pay to see A Nightmare on Elm Street?  Hell no I didn’t, because I knew as soon as I saw the trailers that it was going to be a steaming pile of shit, so I saved my money and didn’t go see it.  Going online and screaming about how “Hollywood is raping my childhood by remaking X” not only makes you sound like an entitled ass, it also makes you sound like an insensitive shitbag.

Let me be perfectly clear here folks, I don’t agree with the Hollywood mentality of “Let’s remake EVERYTHING” because most of the time, the things they are remaking don’t need it, but they aren’t doing it to ruin your childhood memories.  Hollywood is a business, and movies are their product.  We can love and cherish these films to the day we die, but that doesn’t mean shit in the long run.  They belong to Hollywood and they can and will do whatever they want with them.  The sooner we all get over ourselves and stop with the near constant indignant rage that has become the de-facto response on the internet to EVERYTHING, the better off we’ll all be.  I’m not saying we can’t be critical of remakes and point out that they look like shit when they do, I’m saying we need to do it like adults.

7.We all have blogs

Ugh.  Really? Really? Are you fucking serious?  I get that the author was probably making a joke here, but come the hell on.  Having a blog about anything in 2012 is fairly common. In fact I’d be willing to bet that at least 90% of internet users maintain a blog.  Blogs aren’t some kind of impossible to create thing anymore, all you need is an email address and the capability to type and there ya go.

Maintaining a blog about a subject you’re passionate about (or Fanatical perhaps?) isn’t a “Hipster” thing to do, it’s the natural progression for a fan (of anything) to do in our modern connected age.  Blogs allow us to express our thoughts and feelings about a subject we are passionate about, and some of us (like myself) also podcast about it. Does that make me a hipster because I spend time writing AND talking about horror movies?

I realize that making the jump from “I enjoy watching horror movies” to “I want to write/talk about horror movies online” is a big leap for some, but as previously stated, I am fanatical about the horror genre, and because of that I have a lot of thoughts about the genre that I wish to share with the rest of the world.  Whether or not anyone agrees with me is irrelevant, as I’m sharing my opinion with other fans who seek out my (and other bloggers/journalist/podcasters) opinions on the genre. Do you honestly think sites like Bloody Disgusting just appeared on the internet by themselves?

8.I’ve seen this hard to find movie and you haven’t, LOL NOOB!

I’m guilty of pulling the “Well I’ve seen THIS” card a few times, but no one’s perfect.  Obviously we live in a world where just about every movie ever made (that hasn’t been destroyed) can be found somewhere on the internet.  Is it a grand achievement to have seen some obscure horror movie in and of itself? No not really, but if you’re like me, a fan with a critical eye and a nose for genre history, then yes, searching out a hard to find or obscure film and watching it can be a personal achievement, but using it as a measure of your worth over another horror just makes you a douche bag.

Trust me, I’ve seen some bizarre and obscure horror movies that I’ve specifically sought out because they were obscure, but I did it because I wanted to see them, not so I could stand around with my hands on my hips, smiling and saying “Yes, that’s right, I’ve seen Night of the Bloody Apes, and you haven’t, HA-HA!” (yes, that’s a real movie, no I haven’t seen it) but so I could know in my soul that I’ve personally experienced a piece of genre history.

9.Foreign Horror is Better

Again, I’ve said this. And I genuinely meant it.  When the majority of horror films being released here in the states are sequels, remakes or just plain bullshit, my options are either watch nothing but older horror films or watch the horror films that are coming out from the rest of the world.

Maybe I am a hipster, because I like foreign films in general, but I don’t think every foreign film that comes out is amazing. I judge every film I see, regardless of genre or country of origin on its own merits.  Alright, I will admit I am a bit of an elitist snob because I look down on people who refuse to read subtitles, but that’s just because I see that as a sign of ignorance, but I realize that not everyone wants to watch a film with subtitles, and while I feel these people are missing out on some amazing films, that is their own choice, and my opinion of them doesn’t matter in the scheme of things, although the trend of “Let’s remake this foreign film with white people in English so Americans will watch it” does drive me crazy, but that’s a rant for another time.

10.We’ve all met X famous horror actor at a convention and we use that picture on our Facebook

(Oh look at me, I’m such a hipster in my Friday the 13th t-shirt and I’m standing next to Victor Miller, screenwriter of Friday the 13th, holding one of his daytime Emmys.)

I’m starting to think the author of this original list wasn’t hugged enough as a child.  How is it a “Hipster” thing to share pictures of ourselves with the actors/actresses/directors/etc that we’ve met at conventions?  So you’re saying that baseball fans are “Hipsters” because they take a picture with a player they admire and use it as a profile picture?  While I understand that yes, some fans use these photos to  prove they are somehow better than the rest of us lower beings who haven’t met these icons,  those people are what we typically call “ASSHOLES”.

Now, I realize I’ve spent way longer writing this list than I probably should have, and that in the grand scheme of the universe, one blogger writing a list of things He/She thinks makes  horror fans seem like “Hipsters” isn’t a grievous offense, and that I’ve even wasted as many words as I have in response to it is in its own way sad, I’ve spent enough time taking shit for being a horror  from non horror fans that when a fellow horror fan writes something like this, it pisses me off.

Now don’t misunderstand me, I have my own issues with the horror community, and I’ve vented my frustrations with the online community in no uncertain terms here in this very posting, but I point them out because I feel the sooner we can stop screaming and crying like children because we don’t like something, the sooner the rest of universe will start taking us a little more seriously.

To summarize this long-winded and entirely too long rant, I’m a Horror Fan, and I’m proud of that.  My knowledge of the genre doesn’t make me any better than any of you, dear readers, and if anything, I write this blog to share my knowledge and passion with you.

12 thoughts on “I’m Not A Fucking Hipster! AKA:The Entirely Too Long Rant Agaisnt a Stupid Blog Post

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